sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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