By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
