Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize