Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
