distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
