I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
