he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize