dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
