Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
