Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
