Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
