the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
