Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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