I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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