why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
