i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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