What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
