not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
