Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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