I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
