He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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