ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
