But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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