Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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