the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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