Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
