All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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