I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Randomize
