Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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