dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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