I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am mentally ready for anal.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
