I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
