sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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