It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
