If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize