My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
