I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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