My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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