Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
