On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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