I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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