I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
