got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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