Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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