Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize