i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
