if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
