i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
