listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
