i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
