He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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