Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
