Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
