I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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