I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
