I'm so fucking centered right now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
this hospital has no fireball
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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