Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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