I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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