theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
